Dap is Old Tin Boots’s resident cosmologist, the president of the college astronomy club, a man the student newspaper calls a “minor campus personality” when it quotes him. Which is about twice a week.
Bruce and Dap roomed together their freshman year, when they auditioned for and joined the troupe. They were masters of the silly voice together, practiced incessantly. McTaggert & McTaggert, Scottish barristers; Herman the Hermaphroditic Worm (alternating who played heads and tails); Inspector Flashington and Dr. Tortiseworth; the Stratford-upon-Compton junior varsity thespian players. A couple hundred voices apiece. Bruce had found himself slipping into them at inappropriate moments. Alf Svendelson, the Swedish hunter, during expository writing. Fisticuffs Bashem, disputed heavyweight champion, while serving as a pallbearer at his grandmother’s funeral. Seven or eight while at home for Thanksgiving, screwing his high school girlfriend on the guest bed in the basement.
“You make me feel like I’m not taken seriously,” she’d said.
“Of course you’re taken seriously,” Bruce had said, his voice slipping into Suave Costworthy. Sair-yus-lee.
“Say something in your real voice right now,” she’d said.
“Which one?”
“The real one.”
“They’re all real.” And that had been the end of them, or near enough.
It ought not to have hurt. She was right, he didn’t take her seriously. In the three years they’d been together, there had never been fewer than four other girls Bruce would have preferred to her. He’d seen the breakup coming for months. Yet after she was gone, longing had overswelled his chest until it hung about him in throbbing gray vapors, electric and corrosive.
Bruce still remembers her calling weeks later. “Are you doing okay?” she asked. “I shall have my lawyer talk to yours,” Bruce said, his voice effortlessly switching to the Contessa Yolanda van der Strand. “So long as I retain my diamonds, you may have the children for Christmas.” “I’m glad you can joke about it,” she said.
Posted on February 9th, 2009 in Fiction
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